Dear New Zealand, (part of a two-part series)
1. I appreciate that aioli is a common dip that comes with fries. I think it’s a lot tastier than ketchup, provided you don’t add sugar to it.
2. I like that Mint Slices are available everywhere. In the US, you have to buy Thin Mints from Girl Scouts in order to get that mint-chocolate fix.
1. I know that you love sugar. But it isn’t necessary to sweeten up savoury dishes. Curries don’t need sugar. Salsa and pasta sauce don’t need suger. It’s actually kinda disgusting when you add sugar to those things. Other things that don’t need sugar are
Ketchup (it’s called “tomato sauce” here, but it’s actually a syrup), salad dressing, and aioli. Seriously, wtf?
2. Pumpkin, beetroot, and kumara are not the only vegetables in the world. They are, however, the grossest vegetables in the world.
3. You do not need to add raisins/sultanas to every dessert item. In fact, I’d prefer if you didn’t use them at all. And please stop adding them to savoury dishes.
4. Dates aren’t yummy. Ever.
5. Banana does not go well with chocolate. Why would anybody want to ruin their chocolate cake/pudding with banana?
6. You can’t wrap everything in bacon. In fact, I suggest you not wrap anything in bacon. Grilled chicken breast stuffed with brie = wow, delicious. Grilled chicken breast stuffed with brie, wrapped in bacon = gag.
7. Bagels aren’t supposed to be hard and stale.
8. “Pizza cheese” and mozzarella are synonymous. If the main cheese you put on your pizza isn’t pure mozzarella, that’s not “pizza cheese.” Pizza cheese isn’t 1 part cheddar (AKA tasty) to 1 part mozzarella. And it certainly isn’t 1 part edam to 1 part mozzarella. That stuff looks and tastes like snot. Pizza cheese is mozzarella.
9. Caesar salad doesn’t have a fried egg on it with bacon. You can call it a “Kiwi salad” but don’t call it Caesar salad. Caesar salad has raw egg mixed into the dressing, and no bacon.
10. Whoever decided to ruin oatmeal cookies by adding coconut to them and calling them “ANZAC biscuits” should be arrested.
11. Sweet chilli sauce is disgusting.
12. The popular candies people call “lollies” like those airplanes, Jaffas, and that crap you put in lolly cake are so gross that I don’t think I would have even liked them as a child.
13. Brownies are supposed to be soft, moist, and chewy. Not dry and hard.
14. Cookies are…(see # 13)
15. “Slice” is too dry and will never be as good as American brownies, pies, cakes, and bars (like lemon bars).
16. Kiwifruit and feijoa aren’t the only fruits in the world. They are, however, the grossest fruits in the world.
1. I actually appreciate that people who work retail and customer service aren’t taught that the “customer is always right.” That is a bullshit philosophy in the US, and it takes power away from workers.
2. I like that there isn’t as much a feeling of competition to reach to top as there is in the US. Modesty is an important quality.
1. Washing your dishes should be synonymous with cleaning them. That means that you use soap and hot water, and RINSE EVERYTHING OFF when you’re done. No, re-dipping your dishes into that lukewarm, brown soup that was once soapy water doesn’t count as “rinsing.” I know you’ve grown attached to the dishwater, but it is time to unplug the drain. People shouldn’t eat soap residue or old food that’s been stuck to their dishes from a previous meal.
2. The recommended minimum temperature for a room is 18° C, according to the World Health Organization. Below that, you put yourself at risk for respiratory illness. I’m talking about ambient temperature. Holding a hot water bottle to your body doesn’t count. You are not being tough by refusing to put your heater on; you’re being stupid.
3. Just because you like to be uncomfortable doesn’t mean everybody does. There isn’t anything weak or “oversensitive” about not wanting to be soaking wet, freezing cold, or in blistering heat.
4. Drinking until you vomit while you’re half conscious isn’t cute or cool. Telling stories about how often you’ve pissed yourself because you were too drunk doesn’t make you seem hard-core.
5. “Tall Poppy Syndrome” has its problems too. It creates a more conformist culture, and penalises people for being individuals.
6. I appreciate how generous Kiwis are, but there is a tendency for people to continue doing favours and insisting that everything’s okay until they suddenly snap and stop talking to you, without explanation. Communication is a good thing.
Pros - Pretty much better than the US in every way.
1. Very little nationalistic jingoistic bullshit. The flag isn’t sacred, people don’t talk about “New Zealanders” or “Kiwis” as a special brand of people, like “We’re all New Zealanders!” No exceptionalism. New Zealand isn’t touted as the “best country on Earth.”
2. Natural resources are respected more. Not that they’re respected as much as they should be, but people rally against mining, oil drilling, and asset sales far more than they would in the US.
3. The indigenous people here are respected more. Once again, I do not think they’re respected enough by a long shot. But Maori culture is incorporated far more into Kiwi culture, and Maori have much more political power.
4. People don’t seem to be as disgusted by words like “socialism” and “communism.” It just never became the big bogeyman that it became in the US.
5. Labour laws are far better. Not great, but much better than in the US. Can you imagine a $13 minimum wage in the US? Ha!
6. The idea that medicine shouldn’t be publicly available is preposterous to New Zealanders. If I told my story of being charged $700 in the US for a pregnancy test and Plan B to a random American, they’d probably say that I got what I paid for. Any random Kiwi would be outraged.
7. Christianity isn’t shoved down your throat here. In fact, a large percentage of Kiwis aren’t religious at all.
1. Racism is possibly just as prevalent here. I find it shocking how casual people are when they say disgraceful crap about Maori, Pacific Islanders, and people from all over Asia.
2. There seems to be some resignation based on the fact that we’re not as bad as the US. For example, people who support the Occupy Movement in the US will often say that we don’t need it here.
New Zealand is a better, healthier place to live than the US, by a long shot. But that doesn’t mean I have to like the food here.
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~ by owlcat on 10 May, 2013.