The worst movies I have ever seen
Okay, so I have a weakness for vampires. I just had to see it. And it had the woman who played the Terminator in T3, so I thought it couldn’t be that bad.
I honestly don’t know why I forced myself to finish it. If anything, the worst thing of all was realizing how desperate Ben Kingsly must have been to have agreed to be in that movie. The acting was shockingly awful, there was completely arbitrary, unnecessary, and gratuitous sex and violence, and the plot was atrocious.
This is an example of a movie that critics loved, that had excellent actors and excellent acting, but the plot and general feel were horrible. Despite the large amounts of sex, the movie struck me as extremely puritanical. It portrayed sex in a violent, sickening way, over and over again.
There were exhaustingly long shots of seemingly nothing, with deafeningly loud, swelling orchestral music (one example was a scene where the main character is staring at a woman on a train for what seems like fifteen minutes). The entire film’s purpose seemed to be to make the audience as uncomfortable and nauseous as possible, with no actual message or even plot. I left 15 minutes before the end, due to being incredibly disturbed and triggered, and feeling like my ears had been assaulted. Once again, I shouldn’t have waited that long.
3. Southland Tales
Another example of a film that had long, pointless scenes and a poor plot. Instead of no plot, it was all over the place and confusing. It was difficult to tell who the main characters even were, and it didn’t make a lot of sense. In addition, the acting wasn’t very good, and there were scenes of people acting absolutely crazy for no reason. I was especially disappointed in Sarah Michelle Gellar, who I know is capable of good acting. I turned it off 3/4 of the way through.
4. Being John Malcovich
Virtually everybody I know loves this movie. Sometimes I wonder if perhaps my soulmate will end up being one of the few other people in the world who hated this movie.
I was watching it with my parents, so I watched it all the way through. The thing that gets me hating a movie more than anything else, is when there is absolutely no moral message, and none of the characters have any redeeming value. It’s more than that, too – The Godfather was about villains, but it was very educational regarding the structure and philosophy of the Mafia (I actually found the Godfather quite boring, but it’s not bad enough to be on this list). In the case of this movie, all the characters were assholes who didn’t care about anybody else. They did assholish things with little consequence. Oh, and there’s this really cool speculative fiction twist which apparently redeems the entire movie in some people’s eyes. There, I just told you the whole story.
Movies that I liked, that were crapped on by critics
1. The Cell
In addition to being cinematically gorgeous, The Cell had an interesting sci-fi angle to it, and was surprisingly psychologically accurate. The acting wasn’t bad, and the story was interesting and satisfying. I found it amusing to no end when a film critic denounced it as “psychologically inaccurate” with no explanation as to why, as if film critics are well schooled in psychology.
There are a lot of “finding your dreams” movies out there, but few with as much heart and honesty as Glitter. Instead of ending with the main character “making it” as a singer, it begins with it. It shows the ups and downs of being a part of that world. I found Mariah Carey’s acting to be very good (see Precious for another example). In addition, the love story arc ended surprisingly and realistically, with her showing real courage by leaving an abusive relationship – the relationship that began her career in the first place. She did not “get the guy” in the end, despite it looking like a romantic drama at the beginning.
I’m putting this one here, because a lot of people claim to hate it, though I don’t think they really do. The widespread hatred of Twilight seems to be more of a “hate fad” than anything else (see Justin Bieber for another example). People love to hate it – they create a culture of belonging, through that hate.
First of all, the cinematography was gorgeous. The town was portrayed well, with all its cliffs, beaches, and gray, cloudy landscapes. The only acting that I found sub-par was that of Robert Pattinson, who seemed a bit wooden – but it didn’t really ruin the movie for me. A lot of people seem to love mocking Kristen Stewart for her “not smiling,” and “showing no emotion,” which betrays more the assumptions that our culture has about how women should behave than anything else. Stewart plays her character with honesty and integrity – which is difficult to do, given the fact that Bella is quite one-dimensional in the book.
The plot was very interesting, just like in the book; Meyers created her own vampire world with its own rules, and it was detailed and imaginative. Catherine Hardwicke told Meyer’s story accurately and beautifully, which is hardly surprising, given that her directorial debut, Thirteen, was nominated for the Grand Jury Prize at the Sundance Film Festival.
But the biggest objection to Twilight – I kid you not – is that in the Twilight world, vampires sparkle in the sunlight. That’s it. Apparently this fact threatens a lot of men’s masculinity; after all, masculinity is a very delicate thing. An entire meme began: “Still Not As Gay As Twilight,” which was not only homophobic, but sexist as well. People’s desires for the vampires to be more violent than they were, calling them “fairies,” just showed how intolerant and bloodthirsty a lot of audiences are today.